millennial origin story: aldi

aldi blog
The irreducibly complex and totally natural mystery of Aldi

More and more cost-conscious, health-minded Millennials around the nation are flocking to Aldi, that “Fresh Market meets K&D Discount Foods in a bar late one night and one thing leads to another” grocery store whose popularity has exploded in the last decade.

But where exactly did Aldi come from? How did such a quarter-per-organic-avocado miracle happen?

It all started with a cardboard box. The box sat around in an abandoned oil factory for years, millions of years, hundreds of millions in fact. For a long time the box remained a box. The oil factory remained abandoned.

Scientists suspect that at a key point in history, possibly after the meteor strike that wiped out the dinosaurs, a single living cell sprouted inside that cardboard box.

That single cell became two, then three. Out of that one wonderful cell sprang a single complex organism. Inside the barren environment of a plain, empty warehouse, this organism became ambidextrous, able to do several half-jobs at once, and at incredible speed. Thus, the first Aldi employee had evolved.

Some claim a divine origin for Aldi. Citing an organic selection that is obviously intelligently-designed, many believe Aldi to be a direct creation of Yahweh. We will leave this question for a greater generation, and simply marvel at the curious growing popularity of what appears to be just a grocery store stockroom with cash registers added.

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